I won myself, my heart, and my needs.

Today I did something that I'm very proud of. It's not the fact that I actually got to practise managing the way I promised Jack. It's not the fact that I actually made a girl cry because of me being too unapprochable or anything like that at all. It's the fact that I refused to let anything further going on with Tom tonight.

You remember Tom? I used to have a crush on him though he's my employee. I haven't spoken much to him ever since the evening we had a 4 hour long talk. Whenever I had to speak to him, it would only be about work. My managers have been very tired this week so I baught them dinner this evening as a way to say thank you for being there for me during one of my most difficult times in business.

just the 4 of us having dinner. Me, Paul, Paul's girlfriend-Tory, Tom, and Ted. Everyone except for Tory and me were drunk. Tom was less drunk because he has to work early in the morning tomorrow. So he drove us home. First off, he took Paul and Tory home, then dropped off Ted for a cab, then...me.

It's not that I still like him a lot or something like that but I just haven't seen Peter anymore. And yesterday, Peter didn't show up at Jack's Party when he said he would so he's missing a chance of seeing me there. I still remember how intelligent he is but this girl is quite lonely and very stressed out. How'd that song of Garbage go again? "I'm overworked and undersexed" So this girl is quite horny,right? Even a boss has a right to be horny like other human beings.

So he took me home. It was a short trip but I just could sense the old flame burning inside my body--well in my chest and between my legs. You can just call it "chemistry".

During dinner time, I got to speak with Tom a bit. And I tried hard to control any chemistry that could ever happen. But I knew that the old flame must be burning inside him helplessly. I bet.

In a truck together alone, I became very quiet. He's the one doing the talking. I just nodded or didn't comment anything. He didn't speak much actually since I just bit my lips and said nothing. I figured that that was the safest way to prevent anything further from happening. I couldn't help noticing that he drove slower than usual. I couldn't help thinking that he wished that the time would last longer.

When we reached my house, he drove the truck rearwards so that it would be adjacent to the wall. Why? why not adjacent to the gate?? Well...at that moment it just ticked me that there might be a kiss going on and he didn't want anyone to see it.

Seriously it can happen. It's 2.30 AM. Very dark. We're alone with this old flame between us. I was unusually quiet that any fool can understand that I felt that flame,too. I was even afraid that he would just grab me and kiss me. Really-- it's just a click of my finger for all making out to happpen. But quickly, I chose to get out of the truck. I had been avoiding his eye contact every way possible. Avoiding any further conversation. All those times, I just bit my lips and stared downwards at my lap. He saw it. He glanced at me, I know. I think he wished for all that to happen.

I just got out of the truck and he handed me my bag. We tried not to have our hands touched. I looked down all the time. I just walked away and tried to find my keys to enter the house. That was it! The moment's gone.

Now I feel--shamed for having no kisses from a guy but I also feel proud of myself for doing such a correct and great thing!!! This is so much better than any task I finished this week. Very very good! This is good! Thank you God. Thank you.