Are you bored reading this?

For Tom, I think there's a 70% chance that he's a fraud.

Firstly, he's been telling people the reason we were chatting so late that evening because of me wanting to watch the stars at night!!! (which is totally untrue since there's no stars you can see anymore in the city not to mention that he's the one chose to get off the bus to sit at that restaurant. It's totally his idea) I learned this from my uncle who works with me and my uncle is trustworthy. Who knows what else Tom told everybody.

Secondly, during that same evening, Paul kept calling Tom also (apart from calling me) and he said that Tom pushed the "end" button on his cell phone on purpose 4 times. Tom put his cell phone on vibrate mode (this is true though) and he never answered Paul's calls.

Thirdly, This is within his first month of work and he's already taken a day off which is today for the reason of family visiting him today.

Fourthly, Tom's never used his sign in card eventhough me and Paul kept telling him to sign in so many times.

Fifthly, he didn't keep a promise to his worker about taking her to apply for id card. It's not his responsibility but he promised her and it's quite important. If he's not available to help her, he should at least inform his seniors (me and Paul) about this so we can fix the matter.

Sixthly, he neither returned the above worker's call nor recieved tha calls. The thng is we had sort out this worker's problem and he hasn't done anything yet. He just let time fly. He wouldn't inform her anything and just left her worry and clueless which resulted in ,at last, me and Paul apologizing to the customs because this worker was so furious and rudely stormed at them. (it's a complicated matter- just know that this worker's id had something to do with the custom, ok?)

These are the most hard evidences I can see. The rest are still rumours and unsure by me so I'm not gonna write down any.

Paul is the great manager I tell ya. Today we both went apologizing and bribing a little to this vice managing director of the custom. The abilities just showed.

I also apologized to this supplier for having to postpone the payment. and I'm so worried about not having enough money to pay for all employees on the 28th of Febuary. What am I gonna do??? Guys????

The anger and the wind

For today,

I encountered Tom for a brief period at work after trying to avoid everyone for a while. I had some business to manage at my canteen, something involved with custom. We talked only about work. One of my soon to be ex-worker caused some problems. I was required to be there to aplogize to the custom and made some lies. Tom's still a kid, I can see. His face was just lost it like--panic. Sure so I was the only adult there. Afterall I'm the boss! I must be the last one surviving.

Anyway everything went through. It was alright. I just have to make a letter about this on Monday.

We came down. I was pissed and told tom that I would have to fire this worker. I lost my cool a lot on that floor because of this woman. During me spilling my anger like this, the damn wind blew. Yes the damn wind! Well I think I flashed everybody with my butt crack. My damn skirt just flew opened as if it didn't care that the owner was being mad like hell. The bad thing is that I didn't even realize this and there was this kind of blurry type of mirrored wall behind me. After realizing what was going on with my behine, it was just too late. Tom told me (after glancing at the mirror-yes I saw it) "your skirt". Fuck? fuck yeah!

Overlooking this situation, me and Tom were plainly collegues. Well..how hard it is for him to having to not give me any special attention. We didn't even get to date, and he saw my butt crack!

What's Tom? A man? or a conman?

If the conversation me and Tom had at the restaurant was real, I fell in love. It's not like a girl VS guy love kinda thing. It's more delicate. It's more like a love for another human being, a love to my trustable general.

He told me a lot of things about his life, his mom, his childhood, his village. He passed on his mom's teaching to me. Told me how he could become what he became. he tried to tell me how much he valued the guts of one person. And the guts come from a heart. I told him a little bit of my childhood. We exchanged the reasons why we wanted to be successful in lives. and such and such and such.

He made me want to trust him. He made me feel like he's so real. A real man. He can kill and save. We came to a conclusion that because of this, we will remain a good brother-sister. he made a promise that he needed to keep. He will not make any move on me for...as long as...he calls me "boss". He said his heart is higher than that.

So if these are for real, I believe one day he will be a really great businessman and a godfather at the northern part of the country. That day I will have to marry this man.

If these are fake-- don't know what to say.

That day that we chatted, we got in a lot of troubles. My directing manager Paul who thinks of me as his sister (I mean it- really) was so worried sick about me. People kept calling me and Tom. I got 20 miss calls. I just didn't hear any phone ring as usual. Paul was thinking that Tom did this to make a move on me or something. But the conversation was nothing of flirting. We tried to explain this but noone really believed us. There was one mistake that me and Tom did. It was that this conversation was during working hours. I didn't think of it. And Tom...I don't know what he was thinking... nothing? or may be he was thinking that he wanted to do a surprise check to the rest of the workers at the canteen. Paul said that Tom should report this to him first if this really was his intention. Well...I'm just so tired of all these.

Now yesterday, me and Paul went downtown for some business. He told me that everyone knew what Tom has been thinking. Tom wanted to use me. I'm like...dude...I'm not that innocent. I may look like one but I'm not! Well..anyway this is just to inform my readers that all problems solved. I'm just gonna have to dissappear from everyone for a while. I'm tired. And I need my private life back.

From liking to being professional

So many things have happened.

On Monday we had a meeting. We have our chef cried. There are so many mistakes.
Me and Tom hardly flirt. There were just a couple of glances that made my heart beat fast. And at one time when I went to the loo, he was waiting outside and asked me if I had anything to speak to him (from the phone conversation). He asked so politely so I just had to say " well..." He said "not anymore?" I said "that's right. Not anymore" At one point we had a chance to be alone at the table cos' everyone went to the loo. The wind seemed to blow soflier and he said to me that "a woman sitting in front of me is beautiful but " And Then I said "what I said to you on the phone, you just have to think for yourself what I meant if you think you're smart enough". He,then, kept repeating "I will do my best here because I made a promise to my old boss (the one who sent him to us)". I at first wasn't sure whether he didn't understand what I meant or not. "I mean-- the phone conversation, you just have to think about it yourself about what I meant" And he still said the same thing "I will do my best here because I made a promise to my old boss"

The day after, I went to the canteen, we met and we had a chat at this nice restaurant near by. There was no flirt or whatsoever. Time flew and the next thing I knew is that it's been around 4 hours. Everybody was looking for us. We didn't flirt or anything. Please believe me. It was over.

From 15th to today

After getting so pissed at not having much money left, I went to have dinner with my managing director. We consulted and came up with a solution and I just felt better already just to change the atmosphere. But it's still the same. I am the fucking rule!!!

Anyway the day after, Me, my managing director ,and my crush, whom from now on will be called Tom, had dinner to discuss about the new solution and to have him spilling out secret he ran into during working at the canteen. The job was talked through and well. We all opened up. It improved the loyalty with the company.

We drank quite a lot from 5.30 pm upto 2 am so we all were quite tipsy. At one point, starting from Tom spilling out his family secret. One thing led to another. Next thing I knew was that Tom started to tell me how he felt about me. He told me I probably knew and he's been uncomfortable about this for quite a while. He told me that it would be better if I am 1 or 2 years younger than him (I am one year older). It's quite serious for Asian, I think. He said that because of this, he couldn't make a move on me when he does want to. He also said that I am just his type of girls -- independant, fearless to search for my trueself (careerwise), not afraid of being myself. He told me that eventhough he wanted to know me more, he can't. Which may be better off. So he came to his decision to work the hardest for me. He will help me achieve my dream in business world. This is out of all his good feelings.

I just nodded and said nothing. We said nothing else about this for the rest of the night for there were so much to discuss and for the fact that there was no time alone for the two of us.

I was quite speechless- It was 2.30 when I got home. It was rough somehow. I had to stand in front of my house for half an hour, then slept in a kitchen instead for all doors inside my house were locked and noone would wake up for me. Shit!

This morning, I had a lot of things on my mind. It's lucky for him to be able to ,at least, tell me how he feels. I can't even do that! Hey..wait a minute...may be this is just a trap for me!!! Damn! Anyway I just had to do what I wanted to do. Which is calling him and told him the story of Achilles- a guy who chose duty over love. I was trying to make my point that I am just like Achilles. Don't know if this made any sense,though.

This evening, My late shift was missing employees so I have to go there and be one myself. The problem was quite complicated. There's no any other choice. Well...let's just say...this night, I'm not gonna be able to sleep!!!

That's the end for today.

Shit Head!

I said shit head because I'm pissed. I'll tell ya. I've been losing profits from January this year. I know the fucking number. I've been kind or may be because I've been newbie in this field. I gave what people asked me for. I was easy going. I managed by letting them make mistake first and then corrected later. WRONG!!! WRONG!!! Unless you have so many many in your account that you don't give a shit losing some of them. Letting them make mistake then correct them later has a good side--that is--they won't be against you when you correct them. You'll get the cooperation. Good for management - not good for the money!

Remember it kiddo!!!

It's not that I want to be so fuckin rich. I don't really fall in love with the money that all much. I just don't want my company to be short of money. This is for everyone,though. How can they make it if the company doesn't?

I only know that noone joined my worries today when I was walking alone in the street from the bank. Today's salary day. That's why I'm so worried. There's really not much left and I don't know whether I will have enough for everything at the end of the month.

From now on----I am the rule. You do it my fucking way!!! Unless you help me pay!!! This is a good deed for everyone though noone will understand this. I fucking hate the world!!1

well--what a quiet Valentine's Day I have. The same goes for my crush. We were just talking about this before I left for home. How incredibly old we felt. I was listening to his life as a child (whom was involved with black magic) He flirted a little ex- He was expecting for me today and wondering if there would be any surprises. So i just threw a big pile of papers at him and told him that that was my Valentine's day present for him

Do you think we will ever end up together

Tuesday evening

I just came back home. Today was tough. The reason why I went to work with my "normal stress" because I knew something always have to come up and they're tough ones.

First- I found out that the place's owner (Well it's Canteen-incase I forgot to tell ya)is planning on cheating. He came up with the letter stating my electric bill without any electrical detail whatsoever. It's queer. There hasn't been any meter. He just came up with this sum of money stating the fee for the last f***ing 3 months.

Second- some of my employees want to resign at the end of the month for some sentimental reasons that seem ridiculous. (it's hard to find employees- sh**)

Third- My mom interfered out of good intentions and I was to lazy to explain all delicate problems to her. My company has this really fragile problems that outsiders can't really understand- So you will not understand,either. That's why I'm not gonna explain any!!!

She interfered for worries that I will lose all my money. Well-- this is asian culture you're talking about. It's family oriented so don't be surprised why my mom can be involved. I fought with her. It hurts to fight with her for I love her. But I understand my situations and I keep having this thought that I don't need to f***ing explain myself. She forced me to explain anyway to finally temporarily understand the surface of my problems. She also disagrees with me that my top management director don't really come into the office. He works, I know. Noone else knows, though. I'm thinking out of the standard. Still don't get it?? Just from my intuition that makes me trust him. Either that or he's a fraud. Dammit I don't need to fuckin explain myself!!!!! I'm so shittin bored!!!! I wanna go to the sea!!!

Anyways after a fight over the phone, I just had to come down for a few cigarettes. My crush saw me coming down and I knew that if he wanted to make a move, now's the good time for I was pissed and vulnerable. A good consolation would give a really good mark. No..he didn't come down and that made me happy! (: I'm happy with the situation very much. He acted so professional today. I think his ex-boss whom he respects must have had a word with him about our story. How the heck dose he know? We're in food business and everyone's connected!

Anyways later on when I was about to go up, I saw him and another financial manager coming down for a smoke so I changed my mind- stayed there joining them. We all talked about other stuff. And at one point, he talked to me about me being stressed out. He tried to calm me down indirectly as if he didn't mean it. We're getting away further and further from a "crush situation" and I'm happy. I had to control my eyes not to be into "flirting habit" too much. May be he's sincere after all. It's just not proper that's all. At the first place, we were just too young to stop ourselves from flirting. that's all, babe. I'm stressed and happy.

Well- morning of Tuesday. I have to go to the office today and for some reason I have this mixed feeling of normal stress and new excite. I think I wanna have the ok looking today. I should go have my hair done and yeah- tomorrow or so I will arrange a big meeting and I will be ready to spank my team for causing me to lose so much money every month. I'm doing business not charity. So money should be coming in (to my account) not going out!!! d***

I have another confession and soon to be another lesson to acheive.

I have a crush on this employee. The bad thing is that...I think he has a crush on me,too. Isn't it so unappropriate? I'm not just a boss, I'm an owner. And he's not like my top manager or any sort.

This is Sunday evening and I do...so....hope he is out and find another girl to be with.

Isn't it childish? I know it's not serious or anything. I am a kind of girl who has a crush on everybody. Been like that since my hormone started to bloom!!! So this is quite hard- when he's this bad boy type. Ooh how sexy is he. We're asian but he has this black eyes that has the dark blue spark. Ok..So I need to stop looking into his eyes, right?

I can't date him. He's a big No No. I'm afraid he will be another of my big corruptor who will take all company's money. You know? I'm afraid he flirts with me on purpose so this innocent lady will let him have a control of everything.

The last time I spoke with him face to face was the time I acted so cold and distant. I wanted him and everyone to know who's the boss! So step away, dude! You're not good enough! In spite of this pain in his eyes that made my heart ache, I walked away and left him there.

So another reason why you see your boss acts a total b**** or d*** head.

Or at least it's me anyway.

Thanx for sharing my secret.

Dear management diary

To whom it may concern,

Ok...You see a boss..you hate him/her. She's such a b**** You need your raise and you don't get any! They never listen. They just care if you come to work or not. Period.

Ok. I'm the boss. I don't give anyone raise unless you threthen me with a strike. but I've got my reason. How can anyone survive if my organization doesn't? I'm not just a boss. I'm the company's owner. The new company which still needs a lot of fix. Gosh! I'm tired every single day. I'm only 27- mid twenties and some can say I still have time for some fun before getting any older. Since I live in Thailand- The South East Asia where noone knows.

I used to hate bosses, too- in general. They have this distances I can't describe. They're always mean and whenever they say nice things, it's still nice things in the "I'm the boss kinda version". I hated it and so I decided that whenever I have a chance to become one, I will be nice, friendly, non distant and understanding. Yes and I did become that person. The result?- first few months, I was so much loved or I just felt it that way. Few months later, I found out that I was cheated big time around 300,000-500,000 baht ( 1 dollar=40 baht). Not much for you guys, right? But it's a damn lot for this country which give 184 baht as a daily minimum rate. The worst part is that I was cheated by the people whom I loved dearly that I thought loved me...

Human is the worst species. Never know the word "enough", "gratitude". Money/Power can buy almost anybody. When you let your guard down and be friend with them, they'll stab you right away and not hesitate to step on you to take over everything.

-------that's the first lesson I've ever learned------